Actually Immoral
by Queeg-Alex-Biohazard
Summary: A crazy egotistical cyborg, a kleptomaniac pirate, and a morally lacking geek cross over into an alternate universe Harry Potter to destroy the most infamous Mary Sue ever.
1. Chapter 1 Introduction

**INTRODUCTION **

**Preface**

**(AKA Why are you doing this to me?)**

If you have anything more than a passing interest in fanfiction, you have probably came across mary-sue type characters. If you have spent even more time looking at fanfiction, or even if you just frequent encyclopediadramatica, you will know the horror that is the fanfiction "My Immortal" by Tara Gilesbie. Words simply cannot describe its horribleness concisely. Read the original 'manuscript' before this, google will show you the way.

It is advised that you read it at least a little bit before you begin, it will enhance the experience and you will become stronger for it. If this story must come under the umbrella of conventional fanfiction, it must be classified as a crackfic. Unless has a story category called "Great justice"

_(Or TL;DR - go read 'My Immortal' so you know what it is we're taking the piss out of.) _

Protip: Google "My Immortal worst fanfiction". Shit bricks.

_**Dedicated to all dem prepz nd posrz ut ther, coz dey need mor luv. **_

**SUMMARY – **What do an egoistical cyborg, a bastard geek from hell and a blundering she-pirate have in common? Absolutely nothing! Apart from a collective hate of the most notorious Mary-sues of all time… Read if you dare!

**WARNINGS – **sue-bashing, clashing egos,** possible risk of brain cell loss, **extremely OOC canon characters (not our fault, honest) and rather a lot of piss-taking.

Not recommended if you're reading this late at night, high on caffeine (or anything else for that matter) or already of below-average IQ. You've been warned!

**DISCLAIMER **Queeg The Terminator, Alexander the Guard, and BioHazard own nothing except their OCs Gray, Simon and Griselda. The Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling, who is better than Stephenie Meyer in EVERY WAY. That includes beating her at pong. My Immortal belongs to Tara Whats'erface.

Chill dudes and dudettes, we're just doing it for the lulz.

*****  
**

_**The Characters**_

**"Simon", as written by Queeg The Terminator  
**

Bastard geek from hell.

Eighteen years old, technological genius, sociopath, sneaky and underhanded.

Uses a lot of mind altering substances, habitual user of amphetamines.

Gets injured a lot during the story. Just doesn't give a fuck about anything.

**'Gray', as written by Alexander the Guard**

Gray is an egotistical genius who is assured of his superiority over everyone else. An Augmented Human from the far future, on a planet called Murr which has recently been the site of a great battle.

Gray wieghs much more than his stature would suggest, what with all the cybernetic upgrades. Pale and lanky, with short brown hair, starting to turn white with age he always wears his Russian Greatcoat and Aviator sunglasses to conceal the fact he is not an ordinary human.

**'Elda', as written by BioHazard**

Captain Griselda Bell may have been raised the daughter of a wealthy merchant, but her love of gold, jewels and other shiny things has since turned her to a life of piracy! From a fictional swashbuckling world set around 18th-century England, she is dragged through a plothole and into the mess that is 'My Immortal'. Unfortunately for her, Gray and Simon are less impressed by her bravado than her blundering two-man pirate crew. Driven by a lust for wealth and fame (not to mention to be taken seriously by everyone else), Elda tends to pilfer things from everyone she meets.


	2. Chapter 2 Arrival

**Chapter 1:**

**Arrival.**

"So, explain to me again, what is this thing?" enquired Trish.

"Good grief woman" snarled Gray. "This is an extremely old database of all fan fiction ever posted on the wonderful internet on Earth. It's rather temperamental and to be quite honest, full of abominations that would be considered crimes against all sentient beings. I expect there would have been no shortage of public lynchings back in those times. I'm using our computers to translate the worst of this....filth into a simulated environment, a virtual world if you will, by feeding signals into my magnificent brain, simulating sight, sound, smell, touch, and movement-everything. I have picked the worst piece I could find and shall proceed to enter this cesspool and remake it in my own, glorious image. Of course, this is highly dangerous...I may become infected with the retard and never be able to return.....but I have got to do this one, for the sake of my sanity-and everyone else's."

"Right.....so.......what is it?"

Gray rolled his eyes and sighed.  
"It's a plot device, which will allow me to cross into fan fiction. I plan on using it to destroy the worst piece of writing in existence. If I'm not back in 24 hours, put laxatives in Torias' food for me. Well, wish me luck."  
With that Gray fired up the machine. The ground began to tremble and shake violently. Great blue sparks shot off in all directions. There was a blinding flash and an almighty roar. Then nothing.

"Good luck, Gray." whispered Trish.

***

"How am I supposed to read this, Sing?!" Elda groaned, the dog-eared parchment in her hands flapping quietly in the salty breeze as she turned it this way and that, trying to decipher whether the large blotch in the middle was meant to be a lake or if it was just a particularly artsy-looking rum stain.

"Don't you complain at me, Miss Griselda! Do you have any idea what I went through to steal that? That man was as big as a bull!" Sing panted as he finally caught up with the captain, occasionally glancing back down at the beach they had just landed on, to make sure their rowboat was not about to drift away. "And now you've dragged me all the way out here to this god-forsaken isle in the middle of nowhere… just what makes you so sure the treasure's still here anyway?"

"Hmph." Elda had meanwhile lost interest in her first-mate's rant, and had sat down on a grassy knoll nearby to empty the sand from her boots, the map stuffed unceremoniously down her bodice to free up her hands. "You know, when I'm the pirate queen, I shall decree that treasure must no longer be buried on remote, uninhabited desert islands." She sighed dramatically as she tugged at one of the brass buckles. "Especially those with dunes. My feet are killing me." She added as an afterthought. Sing opened his mouth to give a sharp retort, but was cut off as a strange throbbing noise filled the air. A shadow suddenly fell over the two treasure-hunters – Sing's cutlass grated slightly as he drew it, glancing around for the source of the disturbance.  
Elda lifted her gaze skyward, and Sing followed suit, his mouth falling open when he saw what had caused the interruption.  
"What in the world is that?" Elda gasped, the bandana around her forehead wrinkling as her brow furrowed in bewilderment.

"An unidentified flying object, by the looks." Sing was still staring upward in wonder, holding his hat safely on with one hand to prevent it from slipping off his head, but Elda had turned to him with a sneer.

"I can see that, smarty-drawers." she snapped. "What I mean is… what is it doi-" she was cut off abruptly as the ground beneath her was suddenly wrenched apart. Down, down she fell, along with scraps of turf and clods of earth, into the gaping chasm. Over and over she tumbled, her body groaning with protest every time she hit it on a protruding rock or fossilized tree root – it was only when she caught her breath and stopped screaming that she realised that her descent was much… well, slower than was technically possible.

***

Gray hauled himself upright slowly. His vision swam, lights danced before his eyes, muscles ached and warning chimes rang out in his head informing him of the stress on his cybernetic enhancements.  
"I'm not as young as I used to be..." he groaned.  
He glanced down at the small device strapped to his wrist. "Crossover density has increased....looks like I'm not the only one who's not meant to be here." He looked up and examined his surroundings.  
In the distance lights danced out through the darkness, evidently he was near a town.  
"Where there are people there are incompetent morons who don't deserve to live..." muttered Gray. With that he hurtled off towards civilization. "Ready or not" he hissed quietly, "Here I come."

***

Meanwhile, far from the delightful drama, a thoroughly beat up looking figure hoisted their partially clothed form up from the ground. This respite from the thorns in the bush was only temporary, as he discovered when the rapid drop in blood pressure caused him to collapse back into the bush, adding to his injuries.

***

"Shiver my bloody timbers." Elda exclaimed, ignoring the fact that she was upside down and in a rather undignified position for the time being as she continued to fall. "Is this what Davy Jones' locker has in store foe me?" she thought for a moment, and was about to scoff at herself for talking nonsense when a sudden 'whoosh' of air filled her ears as she was suddenly righted once more. "Strange flying things, tunnels through the centre of the earth... what next, I wonder? I suppose I'll be accosted by glitter-gloss wearing vampires, of all things." In her current position, the captain was free to dust off her waistcoat and leggings – crumbs of soil still clung to them from her rough descent – in fact, she was still falling, but now her descent had slowed and she had gotten over her initial panic, the ride was almost enjoyable. Before she could comment on this, however, she found herself rather suddenly lying flat on her back, the breath knocked out of her and feeling rather like she had just been trampled by every horse and soldier in the British military.  
"Ugh, a little warning would have been nice." She groaned as she slowly sat up, coughing half-heartedly to get the grit out of her mouth. A frown suddenly ghosted its way onto her face.

High above her was a dense canopy of trees that had most certainly _not_ been part of the island, whispering and creaking ominously. Through the countless branches, faint moonlight trickled down and collected in silvery dappled pools on the pine needle-covered forest floor.  
"Wonderful." Elda remarked wryly. "if this IS Davy Jones' locker, that bastard has a sick sense of humour." a quick glance around confirmed that no, there was no tunnel to be seen, either in the sky nor the ground. More alarmingly for the she-pirate, there was no sign of the ocean, either.

A forlorn howl rose faintly into the otherwise eerily still air, and Elda froze, hands poised above her clothes in mid-brush, dirt still clinging to her gloved hands. A few agonisingly drawn-out seconds of silence later, another wolf-like howl echoed through the dense trees in apparent reply. Though she had admittedly not lived the adventurous lifestyle of a treasure-hunter for very long, she _had_ been in the pirate business long enough to understand that eerie noises usually meant danger, and danger usually meant pain, which she was not rather fond of.  
"Time to go." She swallowed nervously, one hand curling around the flintlock pistol holstered to her leg as she began to hurry away in the direction that looked least likely to lead deep into the heart of the forest (which more than likely held a dark secret or the lair of some kind of dangerous creature).

***

An indeterminate length of time later, the unknown youth regained consciousness. Moving gingerly he got on his feet and cast his gaze around the moon-lit clearing.

"Where the fuck am I?", He concluded after a long time of pondering with a alcohol dampened intellect.

Suddenly, a distant and chilling screaming, with an almost demonic quality about it washed through the clearing. "Well", muttered the youth, "That's a tad on the unsettling side". Quickly he assessed his condition, muttering to himself as he went. "Okay, lacerations all over my right side, fucking thorn bushes, god damn it. Massively hungover. Where the HELL am I?". A chilling blast of relief went through his mind when he finally found what he was looking for. A 13 inch retractable baton.

Smiling to himself and shivering, he walked into the night.

***

By Gray's reckoning, it was well past midnight by the time he trudged down the main street and into the small village.  
"Okay.....I've made it to a village. From here I get my bearing and begin searching for my target, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.... what a name.....I bet her parents were hippies." he mused as he wandered down the main street towards a pub.

Upon crossing the threshold Gray was assaulted by the stench of sweat, alcohol and vomit. A rather large man lay in a pool of what Gray guessed was his own urine snoring so loud as to wake the dead. Upturned tables cast great shadows which wavered in the beer coloured light given off by the lanterns.  
"Great, so now I'm in the land of the technologically impaired imbeciles" sighed Gray as he hopped over the fat drunk comatose on the floor and marched towards the counter.

He soon found the barkeep under his counter sleeping.  
"Talk about amazing customer service" Gray sighed as he wandered over to the community notice board and glanced over the 'upcoming events' section.

"Huh......every damn week, the same two bands play gigs....and play the same two songs.... If that doesn't scream lack of plot I don't know what does. 'Least I know –"

"Whadda _you_ want?"

Gray spun around on the spot, his greatcoat billowing up around him. The barkeep stood upright rather unsteadily rubbing his bloodshot eyes. Gray cast his gaze over the old, crusty barman. He was short and pudgy, with a squashed up face. His messy white beard hoarded the crumbs of what looked to be cheese. Gray couldn't help but grin at him.

"Nice beard" chortled Gray, "I wouldn't be surprised if it achieved sentience and started killing people."

"An' who the 'ell do you think you are?" snarled the barkeep, spittle dripping down into his beard.

"Ah...well, I'm new around here. I'm Professor Gray. I teach biology. I seem to have got lost on my way to the school; could you possibly give me directions?"

"Aye, a new teacher? Good luck with that lot. Most of the kids up at that school are little shits that need good beatings."

"I believe in discipline, rule with an iron first...." Gray murmured.

"Oh, aye? Well you can get to the castle by following the main road to the north. Out from my bar, take the first left then go straight. Bloody big castle, couldn't miss it."

"Thanks" responded Gray as he stepped towards the barman and pulled off his sunglasses. The squat little man looked into Gray's eyes and his jaw dropped.

"W-w-wh-w-what...are you?" stammered the bartender as he stumbled backwards tripping over the comatose drunk. Try as he might he couldn't break eye contact with the odd man....he wasn't a human, he was something more....but what? Gray smirked at the barkeep. This man...he was insane....it was unnatural...The Barkeep couldn't help but shudder in fear, sweat gushing down his brow.

"Do you have a briefcase?" he enquired, grinning broadly.

***

Having been wandering around in the forest for the last half-hour or so, instinctively reaching for her pistol every time she heard a twig snap or one of the many faint snufflings and scufflings from the thick undergrowth around her, Elda was beginning to feel more than a little lost. There was no path underfoot, only a thick, spongy carpet of withered pine needles and leaf-mould, and the trees, although sparser here, grew at such random intervals it was nigh impossible to catch her bearings. Even her prized compass and the blasted map were useless, since she was obviously no longer on the island. To make matters worse, thick clouds kept drifting over the moon, making it almost impossible to see where she was going.

Rubbing her bruised backside from her latest trip – this time face-first into a prickly shrub – Elda made a silent vow to herself never to complain about the open sea again – if she ever managed to get _back _to the open sea, that is.

At least there were no sand-dunes here.

***

The castle towered over the nearby forest which sprawled out off into the distance. The majestic stone fortress looked almost natural, like it was just meant to be there. Still, it was a little intimidating, a great uncaring beast slumbering away, casting a shadow over all who would walk near it.....No, that was just Gray's imagination. He looked down at the monitor on his wrist which was emitting a soft, rhythmic clicking sound. This had to be the place, no doubt about it. Now for stage one of his master plan. Infiltrate Hogwarts. Simple.  
Gray ran his hands through his hair, straightened his shirt and tugged at his greatcoat. At last happy that he appeared respectable he strode up to the enormous oak doors, threw them wide open and swept inside.

***

"Where the hell am I?" lamented the wandering youth, "A freaking national park? I, Simon, _demand_ that you show me the exit before I get a logging crew in here and make some hippies cry!".

"_Lumos_!" A small, uninspiring voice cried from a nearby tree. Light flooded the clearing, scorching Simon's retinas. "Who- who are you" said a fearful small boy, brandishing the light-emitting stick.

"Nice flashlight there kiddo, might wanna get some fashion advice though, robes went out of fashion 300 years ago" said Simon disinterestedly as he turned to keep walking.

"STOP!" bellowed the child, with a sudden rush of bravado. Simon stopped, and turned around, eyebrow cocked. "Or what kid? You gonna poke out my eye? Looks like a likely prospect given how you're brandishing th-". Simon never got to finish that observation however, rudely interrupted as he was. "_EXPELLIARMUS_!" screamed the boy as a blast of bluish white light closed the distance to Simon in less than a second. The blast of light flashed over his head, missing him by centimeters.  
"What the fuck!" cried an enraged and confused Simon. "What the hell was that for?"

"_STUPEFY_!" yelled the child, as a bolt of red blasted from the 'flashlight'.

Now hiding behind a rock from the apparently trigger happy - or whatever happy- kid, Simon was thinking fast. "There is no way in hell that was a conventional weapon, it was like the size of a pencil, not a laser either...so what..?" Simon hated these situations, where nothing made any sense.

"Hey kid!" bellowed Simon from behind his rock "I surrender". He got out slowly from behind the rock, having stowed his baton in his waistband behind his back.

The kid took a hestiant step forward, eyes fearful and weary.

"So, what's this place called?" asked Simon nonchalantly.

"The forbidden forest," answered the kid "You _thick_ or something?"

"I'd watch your mouth if I was you, you may have some kind of laser blaster, but I have a total lack of self preservation instinct."

"What's a laser blaster? This is my wand." the child squinted in confusion. "You're a muggle!" he concluded excitedly.

Gears in Simon's head started to turn. "A wand? Muggles?" he thought. "I must be dreaming, or I jumped into an alternate reality of some kind."

"Hey kid."

"Yeah?"

"OH SHIT LOOK OVER THERE!"

"What is it?" the boy fearfully enquired.

"A distraction." said the technological genius, who took the opportunity to extend his baton and raise it over his head.

The boy was unconscious before he hit the ground.

"Sorry little buddy, but I'm going to have to take those robes, and your ...wand" said Simon to no-one in particular.

***

Simon was slumped against a tree-trunk, listening to the ominous sounds of the forest and twirling the child's wand between his fingers. Deep in thought about his current predicament his mind moved to the kid, 'Collin Creevy', according to the name tag on the robes, firing off what were apparently magic spells at him.

"What was the Latin word he screamed before almost taking my head off?" Simon thought aloud. "Expelliarmus? Yes, that was it." Replaying the moment over and over in his mind, he got an idea. Simon hoisted his pale and thin body away from the tree trunk, and stood in a shooters stance with the wand held out in front of him in both hands.  
"This is just fucking ridiculous." thought Simon. "Uhhhh.....EXPELLIARMUS!" he yelled. But instead of the coherent blast of light Collin managed to produce, a torrent of sparks burst from the wand tip, blasting everything in its path like a shotgun and igniting the tinderbox that was the forest floor.  
"Huh...I think I did it wrong" he mused, and started edging towards the creek that split the clearing in half. Unfortunately a rock decided that Simon wasn't going to have his escape come easily, and he tripped. The small fire had turned into a blazing inferno in mere seconds, and Simon tried to scramble to his feet but just managed to slide into the creek. "Fuck fuck FUCK! he spluttered over the water and pain. With much difficulty and swearing he crawled up the creek's bank and got to his feet, cradling his head and moaning.  
Then there was screaming. Simon hated screaming as much as he hated fire, and was content to simply leave whoever it was to their fate, until he realized he left the wand on the other side of the creek – and that the screaming had reduced to a few half-heartedly squawked archaic profanities. "Oh for 'chrissakes..." complained a battered Simon.

Raising his head and peering through the smoke, he caught sight of something peculiar. A pirate. A freaking bona-fide pirate, in a forest. This situation was making less and less sense by the second.

"Nice get-up woman!" yelled Simon at the mysterious pirate. "Mind tossing over that long stick thing over to me? So I can get back to wanderin' and not horribly die in a fire?"

"I'm a little busy here, mate!" bellowed the pirate-woman over the raging inferno.

"Okay, no problem, didn't need that thing anyway." Simon turned to leave. He only managed three steps when a small shriek from the woman stopped him in his tracks, and a rare stab of guilt at leaving such a valuable thing behind to burn. "Guess I may as well save whoever that is as well; maybe they'll give me stuff in gratitude" Simon thought as he ran to jump the creek. He landed on the other side and tumbled ungracefully on the ground, adding some more injuries to his already damaged body. Stumbling under his own body weight he got to his feet and strode over some small flames quickly making a beeline for the wand.

After stowing it in his pocket, he glanced back up to find the pirate-woman was now surrounded by flames. Deeply regretting his new-found altruism, he steeled himself for the load on his already damaged physiology, and sprinted towards the woman. Getting tackled through flames is never a fun thing to have happen, and being stuck in a fire is never fun either. Simon jumped into the flames and came out the other side entangled in the she-pirate. They crashed into the forest floor with a massive thud. Pirate-woman was the first to get up, but for good reason. Simon peered through the haze of his damaged brain. A bright, hot tongue of flame had started to greedily lap at the woman's legs.

"Hey, pirate lady, you're on fire" said Simon blearily as he got up.  
The thought of fire crossed his mind properly then, and he rushed back into consciousness. "The name's Simon by the way; you can thank me later" he said as he unceremoniously shoved the mysterious woman into the creek, then deftly jumped across himself. The woman, now thoroughly drenched and irate looking, dragged herself onto dry land – only to be greeted by a smug grin.  
"And you would be?" asked the darker-haired man.

The drenched pirate just glared up at him for a moment, before apparently realising an introduction was in order and scrambling unsteadily to her feet, muttering several colourful, not to mention inventive curses under her breath.

"Captain Elda Bell." She threw back her shoulders haughtily and stuck her nose in the air. Had she not been dripping grimy creek-water from every inch of her body, the effect might have been less ridiculous. "Pirate." She added, rather unnecessarily, in Simon's opinion. When this did not evoke the desired effect on her saviour, she sighed and turned away to untie her bandana in order to wring the water from it – not to mention her sodden hair, which was dripping in slick, clammy coils down her back. Simon watched her bemusedly, and arched a scorched eyebrow as she produced a dripping handkerchief from the inner pocket of her waistcoat to dab at her muddy clothes. "Now, landlubber. Which direction is the way out of this accursed forest?" she continued when she had finished, as if there had been no interruption.

"The hell if I know, I've been wandering around this place for the past hour." said Simon, watching the woman in front of him with indifference while searching for the wand he had stowed in his pocket. "Aren't you going to thank me for saving your life?" 'Captain' Elda blinked for a moment, having apparently been caught unaware by his direct approach.

"You have my thanks, landsman." She forced out eventually through gritted teeth, and stuck a grubby hand out in his direction. "What say you to getting out of this forest? With my natural sense of direction and your... _ ingenuity..._" she trailed off with a shiver as a breath of cold air wafted over her. "...we'll be back out in the blessed open air in no time, matey!".

"While I acknowledge that you are a fair judge of character, escaping this place with no navigational aids will be problematic." mused Simon. "Oh, not to mention that your leg landed right where my FUCKING WAND WAS!" he seethed, holding up the broken pieces of Collin's wand.

"Aye, that's a pretty little stick." Elda sniffed with a nonchalant shrug.

"_Uhhhhh_..." moaned Simon, with his face in his palm. "Nevermind that." he said flippantly as he threw the fragments into the bush. "As I was saying, getting out of here will be problematic; all I can tell is that we are in the northern hemisphere, from the stars." he peered into the slither of sky visible through a gap in the canopy.

"Oh, aye, that's right." Elda nodded enthusiastically and followed Simon's gaze with her own, up into the leafy forest roof above her. Despite not really being able to see much at all with her wet hair plastered over her face, she fumbled around in her bodice in a most undignified manner for a moment and produced a telescope, which she peered through in the vague direction of where her new 'friend' was pointing.

"You don't actually know how to use that thing do you?" Simon smirked, leaning over to remove the lens cap. Elda's face fell, and she turned to face him, looking crestfallen. Even in the silvery moonlight, he could see her cheeks flushing a comical shade of crimson. Then, like the gods had decided to give the poor protagonists a respite, a familiar noise reached Simon's ears. A ringtone.

"MY PHONE! My stuff!" Simon broke into a sprint, tearing off into the distance and leaving the strange woman to either race after him or remain behind with only the mysterious, disembodied howls and her rather useless telescope for company. Elda didn't wait to be asked before she leapt through the prickly undergrowth after the landsman.  
"Yes yes yes yes yes_ fuck_ yes!" puffed Simon, grinning like a madman. Practically jumping onto the small bag on the forest floor, he tore open the bag and retrieved the phone. His hopes of getting a call were dashed however, when he saw that it was simply an alarm going off that he must have set before. "...Bugger." he muttered, taking inventory of his bag. After being satisfied that everything was in the bag, he retrieved a jacket, put it on and retrieved a chocolate bar from its depths. Taking a bite from it he sighed, and offered some to Elda. "Want some? Or do you pirates just eat limes and rum?"

Elda sniffed the proffered snack suspiciously, only to break into a smile at the delicious scent. Simon wrinkled his nose. Judging by her breath, he had to wonder if his previous question was correct.

The pirate grabbed the offered chocolate pieces quickly, and began eating them one by one.

Watching Elda devour the chocolate bar, Simon reached for the pill bottle inside his bag, and downed two in a single practiced movement.

"What was that?" apparently Elda had been watching his every move, for she was now staring at him, her head tilted in bewilderment.

"That pill is the only thing stopping me from passing out from fatigue." quipped Simon "In case you haven't noticed, I'm hungover and have far to many injuries for my liking." With a sigh, the shorter woman rubbed the back of her head.

"You know, that's the first thing that's come out of yer yap that makes sense to me, landsman." she licked her chocolatey fingers throughtfully. "You seem to know what's going on here, anyway. Care to enlighten me?"

"Well..." began the taller man, "At the moment I'm running under the assumption I am in some form of alternate reality based in the Harry Potter universe. How, I have no idea."

"Ya lost me again."

"Of course, I don't expect you to understand a word of what I'm saying. Just remember, these guys can all do magic, and sticking with me will help you not die." Elda looked like she was going to retort, but wrinkled her nose and shrugged instead. An oddly familiar thrum filled the dark sky, making the ground under their feet rumble ominously.

"Do you hear that landlubber? That rumbling noise?"

"Sounds like a car. C'mon, follow me." said Simon, swinging his bag onto his back.

The unlikely duo crept through the trees that were dotted around like (albiet a little more sinister) sprinkles on a fairy cake, crawling through clumps of prickly shrubbery and huffing leaves out of their faces impatiently as they went. They presently emerged into a small clearing, with no obvious way in or out for a land vehicle - yet there was a nice shiny luxury car sitting there with some very disturbing sounds coming from what appeared to be the occupants. Despite the pirate's obvious lack of knowledge as to what the glinting metal beetle-like contraption _was_, her face lit up in recognition... until the occupants of the car stumbled out into the open, tearing frantically at their - and _each other's_ clothes.

"Are they...?" Simon puzzled. "What is....I don't even.....what?!"

"Is that....cake?!" squawked Elda under her breath.


End file.
